My Sunflower Seed

I’m Amanda. I love God and am a devoted follower of Christ! The Lord has blessed me immensely with an amazing family. My husband, Jason, and I have two boys, Nathan and Justin. Just thinking about my life makes me so grateful! But it’s not always cookies n’ cream ice cream (just one of my favorites desserts!). I’ve been through a thing or two, and for His own reasons, God has led me to begin a blog. Full disclosure, I did not want to do this. It makes me more vulnerable than I am comfortable with. But one thing about me is, I will be obedient! So, here’s my first post and explanation for the title of this blog, “The Sunflower Seed”.

I have recently taken up gardening as a hobby. I really enjoy it! But for years, as my grandmother (“Granny”) tried to get me into her garden, I just looked at her with disinterest, because who wants to be outside sweating for a couple of vegetables and flowers?! Lol. The results just weren’t worth in input, in my opinion. Until I tried it! The very first flower I planted in my garden was a sunflower. I have always admired them for their beauty and strength. My husband sometimes brings home a bouquet of flowers for me with a sunflower in it because he knows how much I enjoy them!

When discussing the idea of having more children earlier this year, I jokingly told my husband, “We could have had three more babies by now”. At the time we had 2 kids under 4 years old, so my husband just side-eyed me and likely questioned my sanity at that point! Lol. Anyone who knows me knows I have always wanted a larger family. And, although many told me that desire would change once I started having children, it has remained strong. So, I was absolutely overtaken with joy when we found out we were finally expecting our 3rd child! We quickly told people closest to us, began mapping out the room changes in our home, and started our online registry. My heart was so glad and thankful!

Then, devastation…

There are not many words I can use to describe how it feels to have a miscarriage. To carry the baby that you prayed for and waited for, then to wait (again) as your body passes the baby and your heart, mind, and body try to figure out what’s going on. I was immediately flushed with hurt, disappointment, shame, and regret. Was it something I did wrong? I shouldn't have been exercising. Maybe I lifted too much while doing yard work. I've had two healthy babies, why would this happen? God, why?

We waited for four days before our miscarriage was confirmed. And during those days, I tried my best to keep my faith and my hopes up. I prayed, sought help, rested my body, and did what I could to maintain my peace and my trust in God’s ability to work miracles. Those four days felt like weeks! And, although I am incredibly confident that God can do the “impossible” (I mean, He literally specializes in womb-miracles!), He chose to allow us to experience this miscarriage.

One way I choose to look at loss and disappointment in my life is, God is trusting me with this hardship because He knows I can handle it according to His Word and His Will. 

When I discovered that our baby was about the size of a sunflower seed at the time of our loss, I knew it was God’s plan for us to go through this experience. Many people may not understand it or agree with it, but I knew I had to sow my Sunflower Seed. A representation of my will, my plans, my desires, being placed in the hands of God.

I have more to say, but for now, I simply give thanks to God. Even though I don’t understand why I am going through this experience, and quite frankly, I don’t want to go through it, I know that God’s plans are better than mine. I choose to offer my plans to Him, to mold my life according to His design.

“but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.” -Romans 12:2b

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.” -Proverbs 3:5-6

“Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.” -1 Thessalonians 16-18

"Weeping may endure for the night, but joy comes in the morning" -Psalm 30:5

"Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted." -Matthew 5:4